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How to Make it Easier
For Them
by Katharine Canfield
 Moving
can be as challenging as it is exciting. Sometimes more so.
Moving is as hard for kids as it is for adults. They, too, are
leaving behind familiar places and important friends. They, too,
are starting over: seeking new friends and adjusting to a new
home, neighborhood, and school. But because they're still
learning how to socialize and how to effectively get their needs
met, children need caring adults to listen and help them adjust
to their new home, now more than ever.
If you're a parent contemplating
a move, this article's for you. By considering a move in three
stages - before, during, and after - and thinking about your
children's needs during each stage, you can make a big
difference in how your kids feel about the move and how they
adjust afterwards.
BEFORE
THE MOVE: Preparing
- Tell your children about the
move as soon as you can. The more time they have to think
about and prepare for the move, the easier it will be for
them.
- Give your children a chance
to express their feelings, and try to be honest about your own
feelings. Most children will feel some anger, sadness, or
worry about the move. These responses are natural, and kids
who have a chance to express them will work through their
doubts more easily. Gently tell your children about any
sadness you may feel about leaving or uncertainty about a new
home, job, or city. This will reassure them that they aren't
alone in having worries or concerns.
- Help older children prepare a
list of phone numbers and addresses of close friends,
relatives, and other important people in their lives. Knowing
they can stay in touch with these people is an important part
of a successful move.
- If your kids are old enough,
let them participate in decision making. Have the kids keep a
notebook of potential new homes with the positives and the
negatives listed.
- If you are able to, before
you move take your children to your new home and explore the
new neighborhood and town or city together. If this isn't
possible, take pictures of your new home, the schools your
kids will attend, a nearby park, and anything else that would
be interesting to them.
- Make a scrapbook containing
pictures of your pre-move home, friends, and other mementos of
your life together.
- Call the principal of your
children's schools, and try to set up a meeting with their
teachers or, if they're in junior high or high school,
guidance counselor. The new school may even be able to give
you names of students in your child's class who live near your
new home. If so, you may want to drop by to meet them and
their families before you move in.
- Try to line up some
activities in which your child can participate after the move:
a sports team, music lessons, art classes, a scouting troop.
Not only will activities like these keep your children
involved; they'll also help them to feel like part of a group
- an important aspect of settling in. Try to sign up for more
than one activity in case one falls through or doesn't go
well.
- If you can, try to meet
families in your new neighborhood before you move. Being
familiar with people when you move in will help your children
feel more at home.
DURING
THE MOVE: Remembering What's Important
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- Throughout the move, stay as
upbeat and calm as you can; a good plan makes this possible.
Your own mood will impact other family members, especially
babies, who are particularly sensitive to their mother's
feelings. With older children, it's important to be honest
about some of the uncertainties you have, but also to be
generally optimistic about the move and the positive ways it
will affect the family.
- Involve your kids in the
packing. Older kids can put their own belongings in boxes, and
kids of all ages will enjoy decorating the boxes containing
their things. Doing so will also make finding your children's
things easier once you're at the new house!
- Try to stick to your
routines. Have meals at the same times as always. If your kids
nap, encourage them to lie down at the usual time. Keep to the
normal bedtimes.
- Don't pack things that your
children treasure. Take special blankets, beloved stuffed
animals, favorite books, and other prized items in a separate
bag or box that you can bring with you in the car or on the
plane when you go to your new home.
- Help your children say good
bye to the important people in their lives. For their friends,
a pizza or make-your-own sundae party is a fun way to
celebrate the friendship. An album or poster with photos of
good times together will add to the celebration. If your
children are comfortable, encourage hugs at the end of the
party. With neighbors or other special adults, you may want to
set up a time to stop by and say good bye as a family.
- Expect the unexpected: few
moves go smoothly, anticipate trouble (predict it!) and have a
positive, "can do" attitude.
AFTER
THE MOVE: Getting Settled
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- Don't spend too much time
unpacking - at least not right away! Sure, the essentials are
important to unload and you want the house to feel settled.
But wait on the less important stuff. In the first few days,
take time to enjoy your new home with your family. Take walks.
Check out local restaurants and take-out spots. Introduce
yourselves to your new neighbors. Spend time at the park.
- Be on the look-out for
neighborhood kids, and help introduce your children to them.
If it's comfortable for you and your children, invite some of
the neighborhood kids over for pizza or a video.
- Let your children have some
input in planning on the new house, especially in choosing
things to buy for their rooms. Even if you don't follow
through on their ideas, it's important to listen to what they
think. Be tactful if you choose another option, and let some
decisions be entirely up to them - for example, the placement
of their bed or the color of the rug or paint in their
bedroom.
- Get involved: church groups,
synagogues, YMCA and activity clubs, etc. enable socializing.
If a couple of months have gone by and your child seems
unusually troubled, ask a doctor, guidance counselor, or
principal if you need a referral. Signs that your child may
need help: unusual academic difficulty; ongoing irritability;
trouble with peers; changes in sleep or eating habits; a
generally despondent mood. Give them time, this behavior can
last for 4-5 months for teens.
- Above all, listen. Try to be
there when your kids get home after the first day at their new
schools, even if it means having to leave work early that day.
Regularly ask how things are going, and take time to listen.
Sometimes kids have a hard time opening up; spending relaxed
time together may help them to bring up whatever is on their
minds.
- For children and adults, it
takes time to feel at home. With your understanding and
patience, your children will be reassured that, after a while,
things will get easier; everything won't feel so new; and that
home is, after all, wherever the family is.
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